Marriage and Infertility - why it's so hard
Hello everyone,
So, I had lunch with a very sweet friend this week who is having infertility issues. We approached the subject of marriage and infertility and I feel compelled to write about this today.
We have had infertility for now seven years and it has been a constant companion since we found out. I prayed that it would leave our marriage, but it must have loved it so much that it stayed permanently. As much as I wanted it to go away, it just would not and will not.
A good friend of ours, who happens to be a priest, told us that marriages don't fall apart because you have kids, it falls apart because you can't have kids. And as someone who has gone through it and still does, I can attest that it is true!
Infertility takes so much from you and when you are married, it's now dragging two people into an abyss of darkness, despair and perpetual sadness. It does not start as your diagnosis is given, because you then have hope that things will work out once you start the treatments - I will talk in a later post about what treatments we underwent - but then, when they don't or it begins to take longer, that is when it starts to get very real and hard to accept.
For some couples, the "who is to blame game" begins and without wanting, one spouse begins to point the finger at the other. Then, it becomes the "well, how come I have to undergo all the tests and procedures and not you game" and that one can go two ways: either the spouse undergoing the treatments and procedures just stops everything or the spouse who is not going through it is wishing that he was able to do more. In our case, my husband wished he could be doing more, but in our case, I was the one who had the main issue, although, I must admit that we suspect that he had a male factor as well. Regardless, I am truly blessed that my husband always called it "OUR" infertility. It made me feel less broken and useless in our marriage.
Yet, I would be lying if I didn't say that I feared what his family thought. I wondered if they wished he had married someone else, someone who could have given him a biological child. Now, with much therapy, I have come to accept that no matter what others think, I can't control it and I should not let it affect me - still working on that, but it has gotten better.
Seven years later, I can say that we have gone through many dark times, but now, the sun is out and we are in a much happier and healthier space. We still have infertility but we have come to accept it and talk about it with engaged couples. We talk about it because we want people to be aware that it can happen, although we pray it does not. We talk about it because no one wants to talk about it because infertility is a quiet, broken and silent pain. It brings such shame to women, but also to men. And if we don't talk about it, then people feel alone in their pain. And I know what that is like and it's not much fun.
Infertility almost broke our marriage, but with prayer, having others pray for us, and remembering our marriage vows - in sickness and in health - we remained together and are stronger for having gone through it.
If you or someone you know is going through this, let them know that there are resources and that it's okay to talk about it. It's okay to not go to events where kids will be present. It's okay to go to later Masses so you don't have to see or hear kids. It's okay to cry on Mother's Day and Father's Day. It's okay to let people know that it's not okay to keep asking you when you will have children. It's okay to be sad and mad. It's okay to cry and be sad when your period comes. It's okay.
Now, we have our children, through adoption, and they didn't cure our infertility but they gave us a wonderful gift; the gift of parenthood and we accept it each day with grace - well, sometimes - and so much love.
If you are or have gone through infertility in your marriage, how did you overcome it? did you overcome it? Do you talk about it?
Wishing you a great and blessed day!
SM
So, I had lunch with a very sweet friend this week who is having infertility issues. We approached the subject of marriage and infertility and I feel compelled to write about this today.
We have had infertility for now seven years and it has been a constant companion since we found out. I prayed that it would leave our marriage, but it must have loved it so much that it stayed permanently. As much as I wanted it to go away, it just would not and will not.
A good friend of ours, who happens to be a priest, told us that marriages don't fall apart because you have kids, it falls apart because you can't have kids. And as someone who has gone through it and still does, I can attest that it is true!
Infertility takes so much from you and when you are married, it's now dragging two people into an abyss of darkness, despair and perpetual sadness. It does not start as your diagnosis is given, because you then have hope that things will work out once you start the treatments - I will talk in a later post about what treatments we underwent - but then, when they don't or it begins to take longer, that is when it starts to get very real and hard to accept.
For some couples, the "who is to blame game" begins and without wanting, one spouse begins to point the finger at the other. Then, it becomes the "well, how come I have to undergo all the tests and procedures and not you game" and that one can go two ways: either the spouse undergoing the treatments and procedures just stops everything or the spouse who is not going through it is wishing that he was able to do more. In our case, my husband wished he could be doing more, but in our case, I was the one who had the main issue, although, I must admit that we suspect that he had a male factor as well. Regardless, I am truly blessed that my husband always called it "OUR" infertility. It made me feel less broken and useless in our marriage.
Yet, I would be lying if I didn't say that I feared what his family thought. I wondered if they wished he had married someone else, someone who could have given him a biological child. Now, with much therapy, I have come to accept that no matter what others think, I can't control it and I should not let it affect me - still working on that, but it has gotten better.
Seven years later, I can say that we have gone through many dark times, but now, the sun is out and we are in a much happier and healthier space. We still have infertility but we have come to accept it and talk about it with engaged couples. We talk about it because we want people to be aware that it can happen, although we pray it does not. We talk about it because no one wants to talk about it because infertility is a quiet, broken and silent pain. It brings such shame to women, but also to men. And if we don't talk about it, then people feel alone in their pain. And I know what that is like and it's not much fun.
Infertility almost broke our marriage, but with prayer, having others pray for us, and remembering our marriage vows - in sickness and in health - we remained together and are stronger for having gone through it.
If you or someone you know is going through this, let them know that there are resources and that it's okay to talk about it. It's okay to not go to events where kids will be present. It's okay to go to later Masses so you don't have to see or hear kids. It's okay to cry on Mother's Day and Father's Day. It's okay to let people know that it's not okay to keep asking you when you will have children. It's okay to be sad and mad. It's okay to cry and be sad when your period comes. It's okay.
Now, we have our children, through adoption, and they didn't cure our infertility but they gave us a wonderful gift; the gift of parenthood and we accept it each day with grace - well, sometimes - and so much love.
If you are or have gone through infertility in your marriage, how did you overcome it? did you overcome it? Do you talk about it?
Wishing you a great and blessed day!
SM
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